as time went on....

As the months went by more weekends came around...lots of what we will call 'heavy petting' but no sex for almost a year....then on a trip to his apt in another state it was time to take the final step. I was ready, had come to terms with the fact that I had become that which I scorned....a cheating wife. I will digress a mnute and say that there was never a time that either of us mentioned a change in our home lives...for myself, I considered him the piece that rounded out my life and made it whole. Looking back, I think that he was only looking for a playmate and the friendship and feelings came as a surprise. I was encouraged to contact him, by phone, email, messages....and to spend hours talking and playing games. He was there thru the lose of my mother, a very hard time for me, supporting me and encouraging me the whole way. When he began to be busy or in meetings when I called his office I thought nothing of it...I trusted him completely. Then he began to be unavailable to me on weekends as well, doing laundry or playing games offline he said. I was hurt but being me I gave him the space I thought he needed and didn't push it. The contact online went from hours a day talking to a couple of hours a week..just typing. Slowly a step at a time he was withdrawing from me. I was devastated, asked him repeatedly what was wrong..was it something I had done, and got the answer that it was nothing, that he was just busy. Deep inside I was terrified that after finally making love, I was not enough for him....not pretty enough, not young enough, not aggressive enough, not as experienced as he was used to. My self esteem went thru the floor. Already reeling from this and the death of my mother after a long battle with breast cancer, I was a basket case when i had a mammagram that showed several masses in both breasts. Of course I turned to him for support, but he wasn't there for me this time. He had distanced himself to the point of emails that were coming farther and farther apart and I was told that he was scared for me and to take care of myself. to be continued................