April 5

Wow time flies...I didn't realize it had been so long since I posted! A couple of things going on...

Friday the 31st was my oldest daughters birthday. She is 30...DAMN how did that happen??? Isn't she supposed to be that tiny lil 4 1/2 pd thing I brought home from the hospital all those years ago?? Or the lil girl with the beautiful brown eyes and curly brown hair? So many memories of this child of mine who I have such a confusing relationship with. I readily admit I don't understand her, I don't understand the choices she makes....the way her mind works is foreign to me. She isn't a bad child, never pushed the limits like the other 2 did. I think it just boils down to a different personality...she is very much like her paternal grandmother...a loving, sincere woman who will make you nutty as a fruitcake in 24 hours or less. lol Anyway we had a small get together at my son's house to honor the occasion on Saturday. It was a nice day, warm and sunny, the kids could play outside and all was well.

Well the trip north is on..reservations are made..tickets purchased.............leaving on the 18th....do I know why I am willing to do this again? partially but not totally I think, maybe I don't want to know. Am I using him to drive out the other one? I have given that a lot of thought because he doesn't deserve that...the other should be finished before this begins and I feel like that has happened this time and I can move on. Do I feel guilty....YES of course I do...I know it's wrong! LOL It would be nice to be rid of that conscience thing sometimes. How did I manage to pick up these 'loose' ways only after I reached middle age? I wish I knew...I can only blame it on insuffiencies here at home...I guess if I were the right kind of person I would leave...but 30 years is a very long time to toss out the window when there are things wrong...but somethings right too. Where is that crystal ball when you need it, I wonder how this path is gonna go.............................