why?

It's a normal day. It's naptime and I am laying on my bed with all the lil ones watching Mr. Rogers and relaxing...and then SLAM!! there he is...and in roll the memories and the pain like water through a cracked dam. Overwhelming and devastating. WHY WHY WHY? It's just not fair... I don't deserve this pain and he is not worthy of these tears. When is it going to end? What will it take to seal up the dam and keep it sealed??