Birthday Blues

Steph and Adam went and got her Mamaw (83 years old) and brought her down to stay a couple of days to see the baby and be with us for Thanksgiving, which we celebrated on Saturday to share with her so she could be back home on Thursday to celebrate with the rest of the family.

It was good to have all of that going on..took my mind off the stupid thing I did a few days earlier. I sent an email birthday card. One that never got opened, probably just deleted. That still has the power to hurt me and it always will I guess. It has been a whole year now since I was kissed and told 'we will talk again, I promise'. Now the question is, if he contacted me, is there anything he can say that I want to hear? I begged for talking for months and didn't get it..so.................as much as I need closure AGAIN I don't think thats going to happen. I have accepted that for the most part, there is just a little person still on my shoulder who sometimes whispers....WHY???

Yesterday was my birthday and again I am reminded how fast my life is flowing by. I feel like I am stuck in a tunnel and the walls are slowly closing in on me. Here I sit day after day and accomplishing nothing, contributing nothing, going nowhere. Just biding time until the little ones go to school. I should FEEL something shouldnt I? I think I have the birthday blues...a couple of days crying and wondering when that bright, cheerful young woman I used to be transformed into the gray haired woman with tears lurking a blink away. I hope it's only a couple of days...seems like its been months already, actually it has! Crap...gotta HATE maudlin old women!!!!