more time passed...

Well biopsies proved that the masses were just that...scared shitless for nothing but so very relieved. But completely lost, missing my best friend and with no focus really at that time. Back to the internet I came. Not looking for anything but companionship, I found a chatroom with a combination of people in it that I blended with and settled in to make friends. ( I guess I need to explain that I live in a rural area and socialization is not really encouraged by my husband. He has no trouble sleeping while i chat tho. *grins* ) Eventually I pushed past my pain and make friends I did...men, women I laughed and talked and had a great time. Some good friendships developed from there and I will be forever thankful. Back on an even keel (almost) time rocked on and one night about a year and a half later, I was sitting at the computer chatting with a friend and up popped an im box from him. Shock? Surprise? Pain? Fear? Happiness?Trepidation?Anger? YES YES YES YES YES and YES!!!! We chatted a while just catching up on what had been going on in our lives, where he was at the time (he moved around with his job). After a while of occasional chatting I decided that I needed to talk to him. Having had no closure in the relationship I wanted to talk and when its painful and important, face to face is better. So I made the trip to where he was living in LA. I stayed 3 nights and we talked and I cried and cried and he cried and apologized and it was a good visit...and yes i slept with him and no we weren't intimate. I made the drive to see him 3 more times. There were things that he had lied to me about, I knew things about him that he didnt even know I knew...painful things for me since I had believed everything he told me and trusted him completely. So now we throw broken trust into the mix...How much can you believe someone who says they love you and has loved you for years and will continue to love you, is sorry they ever left you and never wants to be without you in their life again, after finding out about the past lies? I wanted very badly to believe....but on certain issues there were always some suspicion.....is that the truth or one of those little 'I didnt wanna hurt you' lies? But love has to have trust to survive...so I kept the suspicions at bay. Then he moved back home with his wife and family....YIPPEE!! he's only an hour away from me...I can see him more often even if its only for lunch!! And I did..drove over to have lunch or a movie as often as I could...and we could still chat some in the evenings and play backgammon or cards, just not as often as we had been able to when he lived alone. I was content with that. to be continued.....

Who is this....

Who is this person who looks back at me in the mirror these days? It can't be me...where did I get the gray hair and those wrinkles...what happened to that pretty girl I used to be? We went to our daughter's house saturday for our family Thanksgiving get together. I was greeted by my beautiful 2 1/2 yo grandaughter singing Happy Birthday Granny. How have so many days gone by so fast that I am now 52 years old? I look around at my grown children with families of their own and it's both satisfying and frightening. Satisfying that I have raised 3 such good people and frightening that it happened and it seems like a big blur...many many days melded into one lifetime. And I KNOW I only lived one at a time...there were many that seemed neverending! * grins*

as time went on....

As the months went by more weekends came around...lots of what we will call 'heavy petting' but no sex for almost a year....then on a trip to his apt in another state it was time to take the final step. I was ready, had come to terms with the fact that I had become that which I scorned....a cheating wife. I will digress a mnute and say that there was never a time that either of us mentioned a change in our home lives...for myself, I considered him the piece that rounded out my life and made it whole. Looking back, I think that he was only looking for a playmate and the friendship and feelings came as a surprise. I was encouraged to contact him, by phone, email, messages....and to spend hours talking and playing games. He was there thru the lose of my mother, a very hard time for me, supporting me and encouraging me the whole way. When he began to be busy or in meetings when I called his office I thought nothing of it...I trusted him completely. Then he began to be unavailable to me on weekends as well, doing laundry or playing games offline he said. I was hurt but being me I gave him the space I thought he needed and didn't push it. The contact online went from hours a day talking to a couple of hours a week..just typing. Slowly a step at a time he was withdrawing from me. I was devastated, asked him repeatedly what was wrong..was it something I had done, and got the answer that it was nothing, that he was just busy. Deep inside I was terrified that after finally making love, I was not enough for him....not pretty enough, not young enough, not aggressive enough, not as experienced as he was used to. My self esteem went thru the floor. Already reeling from this and the death of my mother after a long battle with breast cancer, I was a basket case when i had a mammagram that showed several masses in both breasts. Of course I turned to him for support, but he wasn't there for me this time. He had distanced himself to the point of emails that were coming farther and farther apart and I was told that he was scared for me and to take care of myself. to be continued................

the beginning...

How does it happen that a middle aged woman, married 25 years with 3 grown children gets involved with another man for the first time ever? Here's the long story.
It all started with the internet of course...having gotten online for the first time it wasnt long until my curiosity led me into chat. I had heard so much about it I just had to see and of course I was swept into it. It was fascinating and amazing and FUN! I could come in here and talk to all kinds of people from everywhere and never leave the living room! It was easy to get past the pervs with their obvious lines that just wanted to talk dirty for a kick...had been doing that for years. But it was the friendships that sprang from the masses that were insidious. One in particular, just a friend..somebody to talk over the happenings of the day, any problems we might be having, opinions ...somebody to spend time with who listened and cared. I hadnt known it before, but that was missing in my life, even with all the people around me, I was lonely and he was there and WANTED to be there. When he suggested a movie in the middle of the afternoon one day..i thought wow..a movie with a friend..thats harmless, out in public, no big deal right? And it wasnt a big deal. What i hadnt counted on was being so comfortable with him. It felt natural to be there laughing with him eating popcorn. It was several months before a meeting came up again. A lot had happened in the meantime, my mother was sick and I had moved to be with her. He had been there the whole time giving me encouragement and support. He drove 12 hours to spend the weekend with me. We stayed at a motel together but didnt have sex...I felt guilty enough just being there with him. Not guilty enough to forgo the pleasure of his company tho. There was no pressure from him to do anything I didnt feel comfortable doing. 2 weeks later he made the drive again to spend time with me. Same thing....just being together talking, taking walks, watching tv....just felt natural and right. to be continued........................